Jumping on the K train

I took the plunge. My doctor recommended Ketamine treatments to me almost a year a ago, but we couldn’t get my insurance to cover it so we tabled it for the time and tried a change in anti-depressants. I got a little better…for a short period – perhaps a placebo effect?

Enter Mindbloom. Sometime in August my creepy Facebook feed showed me exactly what I needed: at home affordable Ketamine treatments by Mindbloom. I took a short questionnaire to see if I was a good potential candidate, and I was so I gave them my money so like it was going out of style. I then was asked to select a clinician who would be prescribing the medication and a guide who would provide support along the way. I picked the clinician with the soonest available appointment and honestly sort of randomly picked a guide. I scheduled my first visit with the clinician and had to show her my driver’s license to prove who I was and that I was based in NC. We went over my history and at then end she said she would prescribe me the medicine! The first dose is based on weight and then you meet again after that to see how things went and make any necessary adjustments.

While I was waiting (impatiently) for my medicine to arrive, I had to select a Peer Treatment Monitor – someone be around while I had my sessions. My parents were the obvious choice since they are retired and live close by. I asked my mom who sounded reluctant as if I was a burden to her for her to come spend an hour watching TV at my place instead of at hers, but she agreed and I later spoke to my dad who was a more willing participant. My guide also reached out to me and we set up a meeting to get to know each other and where I could ask any questions I had about the process and medicine and we started talking about my intentions. Part of Mindbloom‘s process is setting an intention for each session for what you want to get out of it such as:

• Understand and address the emotional numbness or disconnection I experience
• Develop a deeper understanding of my passions and cultivate creativity in my life
• Understand the complex emotions underlying my feeling of depression

We talked about my mom’s initial reluctance to being my Peer Treatment Monitor and what we could do about that as it’s important to have someone supportive with you as any vibe will be exacerbated by the medicine. Ultimately having my dad participate was what was needed for me as he was more enthusiastic to help.

Finally the designated day came when it was time to take the ketamine for the first time. I tried not to have too many expectations. For your first time, you and your Peer Treatment Monitor get on a zoom with your guide, take your blood pressure and pulse and make sure they are within a normal range with a wrist cuff that is provided by Mindbloom in your “Bloombox” along with an eye mask, a journal and pen and a place to store your medicine. We finalized my intention, which quite frankly I don’t remember what it was now, set a time for us to get back on the zoom after my session, and it was off to the races.

I got the pets all situated in the crate so they wouldn’t bother me or scratch at the door, got my mom set up with my TV, and went to my room to start the process. I had a cup for my spit – you’re supposed to spit out any saliva generated while they tablets are dissolving and then any of the medicine that is left after 7 minutes. I put my eye mask around my head but not covering my eyes, put my headphones in and started the music. I put the tablets in my mouth and leaned my head forward. A calm soothing voice came over the psychedelic music and spoke for 7 minutes about what I don’t remember and then the chime sounded indicating 7 minutes had passed. I put the eye mask on my eyes and laid down and waited for the medicine to take effect. It was a wild. First my inner voice would not shut up – had my mom come and checked on me yet? Were we at the half hour when the medicine peaked? I felt like I was levitating. And it felt like I was going in between rooms that were all galaxies but somehow had walls? And at one point it felt like I was inside a computer being reprogrammed. My mom touched my foot when an hour had passed as she was supposed to let me know. The music was still going so I thought her timing was off some and I didn’t get up as I was still, well, tripping. The plan is for the session to last an hour and then for you to have a half hour to journal and then for you to get back on with your guide to talk about how things went. My mom tried to rouse me again about 10 minutes later and then finally told me I had to get up when it was 10 minutes from the scheduled time to meet with my guide.

I wish my parents were gone at this point because I didn’t feel like I could really have an open conversation with my guide about how my experience went with the layout of my apartment. Needless to say I didn’t journal in the 30 minutes intended for it but the guide reassured me that that was ok and to try to journal that day or the next day. I struggled with the prompts provided and she even provided me some more but I just couldn’t get anything flowing. I was so concerned with answering the questions correctly that I was blocked from answering them at all. Eventually, I was able to get something down on paper and get into the flow.

The next day I attended an integration circle which is kind of like group therapy – a small group and an integration guide get together and share their experiences and comment on each others (if the person is open to feedback). This really helped me make sense of that inner voice that would not shut up. Maybe that was true in other areas of my life and contributed to my depression. I journaled about that inner voice and when I heard it and how I felt about it. It turns out that it felt like my mom who often took the wind out of my sails when I had a great idea, she would tell me the 20 ways it could go wrong.